Let Your {Clean} Freak Flag Fly

Let Your {Clean} Freak Flag Fly

I refuse to name names, but it has recently been brought to my attention that I am a bit of an “over achiever” in the house cleaning department. I don’t see the issue- cleanliness is next to godliness. I’ll admit I have been known to deep clean my kitchen or bathrooms until the wee hours of the morning, deconstruct my washing machine on a whim for “sanitation purposes”, scrub tile until I no longer have fingerprints, and purchase Lysol in bulk. Neat freak, germaphob- however you spin it, Mr. Clean is my homeboy.

  I remember complaining to my mother at an early age that she didn’t allow our house look lived in, or justifying the piles in my room as my own special brand of organized. Half the time I hadn’t even taken my clothes off before she tried to wash them. There is even a blurry memory of whether or not I may have accidentally made it through an entire spin cycle when I was four years old. I’d get so mad that our mornings were spent backing out of the door, putting everything in its respective place before we could actually leave. She will argue, but I know I was late for school a time or five because we had to clean before the lady she paid to clean would get there. I once spent 26 hours vacuumed into a corner. Some kids grew up with no wire hangers, I was raised with no signs of life in the living room. My Dad striped the lawn, my mom striped the carpet- that’s just how it went. Call it a curse, call it a blessing but I have inherited the clean gene, honestly.

  Nothing makes me happier than to come home from work to a spotless house, dinner cooking in the crock pot, a stout margarita and a handsome pool boy named Juan Pablo. But because we don’t have a pool or a pool boy named Juan Pablo, I am forced to settle for the first three things. However, the fact for many of us is, our lives are busy and we just don’t have time to keep up with it all. That is exactly why God made shortcuts.

   I have put together a list of my favorite cleaning cheats that bring me great pleasure and have clearly given someone {still not naming any names} the illusion that my house is ALWAYS super clean. Spoiler alert- it’s not.


1. Simmer equal parts Pine Sol or Fabuloso and water in a sauce pan on the stove on low. I like to do this before my husband gets home. He thinks I have been slaving all day and he immediately compliments me on how good the house looks- even if it doesn’t. I fool his senses with trickery. Think Pavlov’s dogs. Works every time


2. Use car wax on your shower. Once you have removed all the soap scum, add a thin layer of car or marine wax to all surfaces except the floor (duh). Wax off Mr. Miyagi style and you just saved yourself enough time in the upcoming month to soak your feet and binge watch This Is Us.


3. Tackle a room a night or a chore a night. I dust on Mondays, do bathrooms Tuesdays, and drink wine on Wednesdays. It seems more doable and less like an enormous task and once the bottle is empty, your chores seem easier, too.


4. Have kids. They may seem like a lot of work but they can handle a lot of work. Start them off young. Put Dust cloths on their knees when they start crawling and to hell with a walker, just lower the handle on your vacuum and turn that baby loose. Have a canister vacuum? Even better! According to my Dad  he started cleaning for his Mama at age two. So, in my family we don’t call it work, we call it tradition!


5. Create distractions. Witty dishtowels, a new metallic throw rug, decorations for the upcoming season, cooking dinner in a bikini, a strategically placed piñata, whatever your smoke screen of choice, work it. Dust. What dust?


6. Dress it up. Get the cute patterned rubber gloves with the bows on them, the scrubber that looks like a magic wand, a sexy apron with ruffles in all the right places, and slip on a pair of heels and a tiara to make it interesting. Dub yourself the “Queen of Clean” and keep your neighbors guessing when you take out the trash.


7. Get a Bona. You heard me. Cleaning can be super exciting especially with a discrete appliance that hits all of the right places. I’m talking about Bona hardwood floor cleaning system. It’s like a Swiffer on steroids. This hand held wonder wand will leave both you and your hardwoods glowing with satisfaction.


8. Lean in close because this is the most important tip of all…ask your husband for help. He lives there, too! Genius, I know.

 A woman’s home is her castle. Use these shortcuts to fool your friends, have a little fun and free up some time to actually enjoy that clean castle. Spring is the time to get squeaky.

We’ll talk soon.


The Dark Web of Parenthood

The Dark Web of Parenthood

That time I was addicted to milkshakes..

That time I was addicted to milkshakes..