Big Girl Britches: I'm Not Really an Adult
In a room full of adults, I usually feel like the fraud. I am a ridiculous hypochondriac, I chew Hubba Bubba gum on the reg, and in case my ex-husband didn’t already tell you, I have been known to wear padded panties- God blessed me with other things. I’ve dared my child to eat a dog bone for money and I still have a Sublime cd in my car changer along with 5 others that Columbia House sent me to collections for in the early 90’s thanks to their genius 1 cent guerilla marketing tactics. I have most of it all together but not all of it all the time. Yes, I pay my mortgage consistently, vote, contribute to my 401K and HSA and parent responsibly (for the most part) but I don’t feel like I’ve completely crossed over the grownup bridge (not to be confused with the rainbow bridge). It is the 10th anniversary of my 30th birthday in August and I still put lemons under the skin of my Thanksgiving turkey to make it look like it had boobs and shock my mom. Is it possible to have the wisdom of a 40-year-old, wit of a teenager, and the flawless dewy skin of a 26 year old? Clearly that’s a yes! This reminds me of the “old man boy” who works at Walgreens that always leaves me wondering, “ Is he 22 or 74? So many questions, so much confusion. And why is he always stocking the Snuggies?”. Maybe I equate being a full card carrying adult with being stuffy and always having to follow the rules. I have been known to break rules- Just this morning I parked in the “new and expectant mother” space at the Kroger- to be clear, I am neither. I’m just that kind of rebel, baby.
I mean what full-fledged grown up sings personalized cover songs to her dogs on a daily basis and doesn’t 100% rule out egging as a conflict resolution strategy? Maybe being an adult is scary and I am scared of everything; literally everything. Both rational but mostly irrational. After starting Collard Queens and pursuing another degree, a friend told me over dinner once that I was so brave because I wasn’t afraid of anything. I laughed and laughed and laughed until Boone Farms came out of my nose, then let her in on my biggest fear of all: living a life that just passes me by. I have a bad case of FOMO. I want to be where things are happening; in the mix, right in the middle- ask anyone I went to school with, chances are that I was in their business more than just once. One a scale of one to ten, I’m at level Aerosmith of not wanting to miss a thing.
Because I feel like I am in the purgatory of adulthood and in an effort to ease my feelings of grownup inadequacies, I came up with a list of things that kind of make me an adult.
1. I enjoy brunch… but solely for the day drinking, only having to chew 2 meals that day, and subsequent nap to follow. This is a new adult social activity that I have been recently introduced to but embrace completely.
2. I know a great toast, which I love to offer up at every available opportunity, however said toast is completely inappropriate for most civilized gatherings. Unfortunately, this doesn’t usually stop me. Hmmm…not so adult.
4. I have a strong aversion to any activity requiring a helmet, conversely I feel like most activities should require a helmet. And just like that, I’m officially responsible.
5. I am legit afraid of being locked up abroad or accidentally leaving my DNA in a public bathroom and being pinned for a crime I didn’t commit. This translates to two things- I watch NatGeo like it’s my job and I’m a forward thinker. Both pretty adulty.
6. I love coffee…but I don’t drink it because it makes my rosacea flare up. I just skipped adulthood, passed go and got an AARP discount with this one.
7. I watch Jeopardy every night and DVR it when I can’t. I believe that whoever yells the answer the loudest is right.
8. I can throw a hell of a party. Seriously I was born to entertain- I love a good excuse to decorate, gather people, feed them and then force them to listen to me rap Ice Ice baby as they are trying to get their coats and leave
9. I buy lotto tickets…as part of my retirement plan.
10. My palate has become more refined over time. I cook, order, eat, and appreciate more sophisticated foods like foie gras, kalamatas, and escargot. Nevertheless,…I still secretly don’t mind the way asparagus makes my pee smell.
So, maybe not the best supporting evidence of my rise to adult-dom. I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing, continue to have fun, purchase a cute helmet, and start taking pages from other un-adults I admire. Like Oprah. I bet she is secretly a claw machine ninja, too.
We’ll talk soon!